Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree