Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?