I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
You Might Also Like
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three