i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
best review i’ve ever seen
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.