Almost forgotβ¦πππππ
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i donβt have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. Iβm like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you itβs less than that.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Me: Itβs time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay