I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
HELP 😭
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.