having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
next level snooze