The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The answer is funnier than the question
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.