Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
You Might Also Like
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.