they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
<—- homeless romantic