Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
This one’s “Alex”.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Camping tip: No.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow