Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
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Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.