him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Just a phase…
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”