You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
You Might Also Like
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert