They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
mmm onion ringos
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.