I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.


7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!


My son on the carousel horse in front of me.


McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.


It’s an ATM.

Not an ATM machine.

The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.


Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%


My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?

Me: I’m not that old.

4: You’re not new.

Me: Go to bed.


I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.


Don’t be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I’m saying.