I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
7: I’m beating you!
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
It’s an ATM.
Not an ATM machine.
The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
Your face. There’s a bat for that.
My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?
Me: I’m not that old.
4: You’re not new.
Me: Go to bed.
I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Don’t be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I’m saying.