going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
they finally got him. they got macavity
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.