[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
You Might Also Like
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
a public service announcement
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money