[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.