This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier