I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Ferrari squats
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Need WebMD
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks