My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You Might Also Like
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
giddy up Office Depot
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.