11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.