alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce