my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
who wants to go expliring
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”