Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*praying for world peace*
God:
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Happy weekend !
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena