He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Generation gap…
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.