Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”