Don’t make me out nice you.
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
And then there were 4
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Happy Caturday!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes