My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
being a writer on Twitter:
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked