Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
i made a craigslist ad !
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.