*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode