Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
how it started vs how it ended
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Black Friday “markdowns” like
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”