@chris_isloi

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

@chris_isloi

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

@chris_isloi

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

@chris_isloi

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

@chris_isloi

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

@chris_isloi

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.