Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.