@chrisdelia: Guy - “Hey are you famous?”
Me - “No.”
Guy - “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me - “I don’t speak English.”
Guy - “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me - “The Ukraine.”
Guy - “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me - “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
@chrisdelia: Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like... it’s just... not.
@chrisdelia: I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
@chrisdelia: Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
@chrisdelia: I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
@chrisdelia: Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: "Wait, what did I ask again?"
@chrisdelia: I've ALWAYS said "A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting."
@chrisdelia: Hey girls, you are not a "mommy" just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
@chrisdelia: I'm pitching a show called "Walking Dad" where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.