The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Seems a bit forward
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.