@chrisdowning

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

@chrisdowning

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

@chrisdowning

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@chrisdowning

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

@chrisdowning

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

@chrisdowning

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.