Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
lmfao come on
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.