I beg your pardon?
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone