Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.