“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.