chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?