I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
The days of good grammer has went
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
A leaf blower, but for people.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)