Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
How it started: How it’s going:
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration