TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
excuse me
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.