@chuuew

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

@chuuew

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

@chuuew

ME: Can we call a timeout?

SURGEON: What no

@chuuew

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

@chuuew

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

@chuuew

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

@chuuew

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

@chuuew

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

@chuuew

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

@chuuew

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup