Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of chuuew's best tweets

@chuuew : NASA: How's it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I've never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I'm struggling tbh.

@chuuew: JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

@chuuew: SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that's not a proper meal

@chuuew: ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink


@chuuew: PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what's wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

@chuuew: [reading horrorscope] "More horror today". That seems right

@chuuew: ME: There's something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

@chuuew: ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

@chuuew: OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don't *have* to talk during sex

@chuuew: WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO