Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of chuuew's best tweets

@chuuew : ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

@chuuew: PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what's wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

@chuuew: [reading horrorscope] "More horror today". That seems right

@chuuew: ME: There's something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

@chuuew: ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

@chuuew: OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don't *have* to talk during sex

@chuuew: WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

@chuuew: [bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can't get any worse...

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

@chuuew: This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@chuuew: ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP