DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
ME: Can we call a timeout?
SURGEON: What no
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup