@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@chuuew

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

@chuuew

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

@chuuew

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@chuuew

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

@chuuew

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

@chuuew

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

@chuuew

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine