THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you


ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please


HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now


ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?


ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that


[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]


ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller


ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding


JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair


ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse


ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store