THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you
ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store