@chuuew

THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you

[later]

ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please

@chuuew

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

@chuuew

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

@chuuew

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

@chuuew

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

@chuuew

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

@chuuew

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

@chuuew

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

@chuuew

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

@chuuew

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store