When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…