How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Accurate
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.