@chuuew

MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?

MUGGER: NOW

ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]

@chuuew

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

@chuuew

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

@chuuew

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@chuuew

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

@chuuew

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

@chuuew

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt