Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car